It is a difficult question to ask yourself. You might have typed it into a search engine after spending another evening watching pornography when you had promised yourself you wouldn’t. Perhaps someone has found out. Perhaps nobody knows, but you are tired of having the same argument with yourself.
You want an answer. You may be hoping the answer is no, or looking for an explanation for why stopping has been so difficult.
I know what it is like to make promises to myself and then return to the behaviour anyway. I could carry on with work, family and the parts of my life other people saw. That made it easier to tell myself I was managing. But being able to function in some parts of my life did not mean I was in control of my pornography use.
What do we mean by addiction?
People often use “pornography addiction” to describe feeling unable to stop, despite the harm their viewing is causing. You may also come across the term “compulsive sexual behaviour”, which can include pornography use.
Clinicians may assess these difficulties as compulsive sexual behaviour disorder. Pornography addiction is not a separate diagnosis in that classification, although it is a term many people use to describe their experience.
A qualified clinician can help assess it. An article cannot tell you whether you have a disorder, but it can help you look more honestly at your experience.
“I can stop for a while, so surely I’m not addicted?”
Perhaps you have stopped for a few days or weeks. You feel better, begin to trust yourself again, and decide you have proved you can control it. Then you return to it, sometimes with a plan to watch just once or for a short time.
A period without pornography is something you can learn from. What helped during that time? What changed before you returned? Did you have support, a different routine or fewer opportunities?
But the break itself does not answer everything. Look at what happens over time. When you start again, can you keep to the limits you intended? Or do you find yourself back in a familiar pattern, making another promise when it is over?
For me, the promises were sincere. I wanted things to be different. Eventually, I had to face the gap between what I intended to do and what I kept doing.
Wanting it and feeling driven to it
You may enjoy pornography and still be concerned about your use. You may also find yourself watching when you are getting very little out of it.
Perhaps you spend longer searching than you intended. You are tired, have things to do, or know you will regret losing the time, but you continue. Afterwards, you wonder why you did it again.
Think about how much choice you feel you have in those moments. Can you leave it and get on with something else? What happens when you decide not to watch? Do you repeatedly talk yourself out of that decision?
There is also the question of consequences. You might know it is affecting your sleep, your work, your relationships or the way you feel about yourself, yet keep returning to it. Understanding that something is harmful does not always give you the ability to stop doing it.
That was difficult for me to admit. I thought I should be able to sort it out myself. Accepting that I needed help meant being honest about how little control I had, despite all the effort I put into keeping it hidden.
What about shame?
Feeling ashamed of watching pornography does not, by itself, mean you are addicted. People can feel guilty because their viewing conflicts with their beliefs or the expectations within a relationship, even when they are able to control it.
It helps to look at both. What do you feel about pornography, and what actually happens when you use it?
Are you distressed because using pornography conflicts with your beliefs? Or are you repeatedly losing control over how you use it and continuing despite the consequences? Both may be happening, but they are different things to understand.
Shame can also make it harder to seek support. You may avoid talking because you are worried about what someone will think of you. Meanwhile, everything stays private and you are left trying the same approach again.
In my recovery, fellowship gave me people I could speak honestly with. I needed support to begin addressing the problems I had been using pornography to avoid. Keeping it to myself had not helped me change.
Getting an answer and getting help
Having an explanation can help you make sense of what has been happening. You may want a professional assessment, and that is a reasonable step. While you explore that, you can also begin addressing the difficulties that brought you here.
Repeatedly losing control, continuing despite harm, or feeling that pornography is taking over parts of your life are reasons to speak to someone. If you want a clinical assessment, speak to your GP or a therapist with relevant experience in compulsive sexual behaviour.
Coaching offers practical support with making changes. Together, we look at where you get stuck and agree actions you can put into practice between sessions. We then review what happened, work through difficulties and adjust the plan, with support and accountability as you go.
If you would like to explore working together, you can request a free 20 minute introductory call. We can talk about what you are struggling with and whether my coaching would be a good fit.